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• Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie ***poof*** she is instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

  So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." ***poof*** The mirror swallows her.

  Next a rather prude brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I'm the sexiest woman alive." ***poof*** The mirror swallows her.

  Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." ***poof***

• If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
  
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
    
  • Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
    
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
    
  • When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
    
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
    
  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
    
  • When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
    
  • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
    
  • Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
    
  • Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
    
  • If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
    
  • Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
    
  • "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
    
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
    
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
    
  • Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
• THE WOUNDED GOLFER -- A couple of women were playing golf on a sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward the foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

  The women rushed to the man and began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you would allow me", she told him earnestly.

  "Ummph, oooh, nooo,I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

  But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side. She loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

  He replied," It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

• Seems there was a PX Barber Shop on a military reservation, and a Colonel and a Sergeant are both getting haircuts. The Colonel's barber is about done with him, and asks him if he wishes hair tonic. The Colonel says, "Hell no, if I get that stuff on my hair, my wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!". Right after that, the Sergeant's b arber asks him the same question. The Sergeant replies, "Go ahead and put some on, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like!". -- Dale Jaynes

• A Colonel and a Major are in the BOQ, arguing. The Colonel says sex is 90% work and only 10% pleasure. The Major argues the opposite: 90% pleasure and 10% work. They can't agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate. The only person around is aPrivate doing latrine orderly duty. They ask him his opinion. He asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead. He answers, "Well, if you really ask my opinion, I'd say it's all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you SOB's would have me doing it"! -- Dale Jaynes

• Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is," the girl replied. "That's good!" said the teacher.

  Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered "God lives in each of our hearts!" "That's VERY good," she smiled.

  When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom," he said. "In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself. "Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?'

• Sean Clancy is feeling proud and is bragging to his friend, Abe Schwartz. It seems yound Patrick has been accepted for training for the priesthood. Un- forunately, Abe is monumentally unimpressed. "But, don't you see? If he works hard and finishes, he will be ordained a priest and will have his own parish!" "So?" says Abe. "Well," continues Sean, "he could go on to become a monsignor, even a bishop!" "Bishop, schmishop," scoffs Abe, "So what?!" Sean, getting red in the face, is determined to get a positive reaction. "Well, what would you think if Pat should one day be elected Pope?!!" "So good for him," yawns Abe, "but so what?" Sean, beside himself, cries, "Well, what do you want from him--to become Jesus Christ Himself?!!!" "Wel-l-l," says Abe, "why not? One of our boys made it!" -- "Bob Ries"

• The Pope and the Rabbi -- The Chief Rabbi visits the Pope in the Vatican. They debate doctrine and at one point the Pope picks up a telephone saying "I must speak with God on that matter for an opinion. This is my hot line direct to God" When the call is completed and their debate ends, the Chief Rabbi insists on paying for the call, because he had initiated the question. The Pope checks the cost and it's Lira18Million, which the Chief Rabbi duly pays.

  Some months later the Pope goes to Jerusalem and visits the Chief Rabbi. The debate of course continues, during which the Chief Rabbi picks up a phone, which also turns out to be a hotline to God. The matter is resolved and the Pope requests that he should reciprocate by paying for the cost of the call.

  Immediately the Chief Rabbi says "It's 1.50 Shekels" "Why so cheap?" inquires his Holiness. "Local call!" --- "William Ries"

• Subject: Cat story. -- Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I'm lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

  The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." You know where the button is." I protested through the shower(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

  So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.

  Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

  At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

  Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

  Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

  When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

  At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" --- If they had only known.

• Mosche: Does the Bible ever mention women smokers?
  Jack Benny: Yes, in Genesis 24:64.
  Mosche: I see! It says, "Rebekah saw Isaac and she lighted off her camel." --- Jack Olson, Newberry, MI

• Question: Do you know why they give old men in a nursing home a Viagra pill at nite? Answer: It keeps them from falling out of bed. --- RCrouch106@aol.com

• Subject: $500 -- A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says: "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500 and leaves.

  Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower: "Who was that?" "It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $500 he owed me?

• An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. and then, after have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

  The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked: "your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

• Have you heard about the accoutant that fell out of the executive branch because he lost his balance ? -- - G. Robinson - Jrsdad@aol.com

• If you think that it's difficult to throw a boomerang away, triy to throw away an old garbage can ! - G. Robinson- Jrsdad@aol.com

• The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screamed madly, "You Lied."

• HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
  Compliment her,
  cuddle her,
  kiss her,
  caress her,
  love her,
  stroke her,
  tease her,
  comfort her,
  protect her,
  hug her,
  hold her,
  spend money on her,
  wine & dine her,
  buy things for her,
  listen to her,
  care for her,
  stand by her,
  support her,
  go to the ends of the earth for her...
  . HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
  Show up naked.
  With beer.
  WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

• QUICKIES: What did the elephant say when he saw a naked man? "That's cute, but can you pick up peanuts?" -WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

• A set of jumper cables walks into a private party. The host promptly asks them to leave. They beg and plead until the host gives in and says, "Okay, you can stay but you better not start anything." -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

• DUMB BLOND JOKE: A blonde walks into a doctor's office wearing a walkman. Her doctor tells her that she must remove it for her check-up. Then blonde protests and claims that she can't take off the walkman. After minutes of arguing, the doctor finally convinces the blonde to remove the headphones. The blonde suddenly turns blue and falls on the floor and dies. The doctor, unable to save her, decides to listen to her headphones. He hears, "Breathe in, breathe out..." -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

• THINGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:
  1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
  2. Someone call the janitor-- we're going to need a mop.
  3. Accept this sacrifice, O great Lord of Darkness.
  4. Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?
  5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
  6. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500cc of this stuff before?
  7. Everybody stand back! I just lost my contact lens.
  8. Could you stop that thing from beating? I can't concentrate.
  9. What's this doing here?
  10. That's awesome! Now can you make his leg twitch?
  11. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
  12. Well, folks, this will certainly be an experiment for us all.
  13. Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean, right?
  14. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
  15. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
  16. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of an ape.
  17. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
  18. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.
  19. BoBo! Come back with that! Bad dog! --
  -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

• SEEING EYE DOGS Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

• WHAT WOULD YOU WANT THEM TO SAY? Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

• NOT IN THE STARR REPORT When Kenneth Starr asked Bill Clinton what he thought of marital fidelity, Clinton responded " I think that's an insurance company" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

• WHAT A WOMAN!! -- Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

  "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

  "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

  "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

• Hi! The following letter is from way back, right after the World War II.

  GENERAL FOOD CORPORATION
  Green Rice Department
  Lykes Bros. Steamship Co.
  Cotton Exchange Building
  Huston, Texas

  Dear Mr Lykes:
  We received the following letter from our client:
  Hans Gruber,
  Wilhelmstrasse,
  Hamburg, Germany.

  QUOTE:

  "Der last two shipments uv rice ve got from you on der Lykes schip vas mitt mice schidt mixt. Der rice vas gut enuff, but der mice durds schpoils der trade. Vi did not see der mice schidt in der samples vich you sent us.

  It takes too much time to pick der mice durds out fon der rice. Ve order kleen rice and you schipt schidt mitt der rice.

  Ve like you to schip us der rice in vun sack un der mice schidt in annoder sak, and den ve mix to soot der customer. Please wride, if ve shud schip back der schidt and keep der rice or keep der schidt and schip back der rice, or schip back der hold schitten verks.

  Ve vant to do ridt in dis matter budt ve do no like dis mice schidt business.

  Mitt mutch respect,
  (signed Hans Gruber)"
  Yours,
  frode...

• I want to thank you Lord for being so close to me so far this day. With your help, I haven't been impatient, lost my temper, been grumpy, judgmental or envious of anyone. I will be getting out of bed in a minute and I think I will really need your help then. -- Jan Jacobs jabon@earthlink.net

• THE DOG FOOD KILLED HIM.....For many weeks, a lady has been purchasing large amounts of canned dog food at the super market. She was noticed many times by the manager until one day he approached her and commended her for treating her dogs so well. "Oh, I do not have any dogs at all" she said. " I get the canned dog food for my husband who loves it as hamburgers and his favorite, meat loaf." The manager was shocked and warned her that the dog food could kill her husband. Two months went bye and the manager noticed that the lady bought her groceries, but didn't buy any dog food. "I am glad to see you took my advise and stopped buying dog food for your husband." " I do not have to buy anymore dog food for my husband, you see, he passed away last week." "I TOLD YOU LADY THAT THE DOG FOOD WOULD KILL HIM." " Oh, it wasn't the dog food that killed him, he was laying in the road licking his butt and a truck ran over him." -- "Russell G. Stevens" russell@ccpl.carr.lib.md.us

• Prior to the commissioning of the most recent statue of F.D.R., there was a debate as to whether or not the President should be depicted in a wheel chair. In the near future, a replica will have to be made of Bill Clinton, to be placed in the Smithsonian Institute, along side of the replicas of all of our other Presidents. The great debate will be...should he be depicted with his fly open or closed? -- Bert Amada

• All his life he dreamed about building his own house. However, when he was young he didn't have the money and for the rest of his working life, he couldn't spare the time. Now at 85 its a little late to start building. Therefore, when he noticed a lot in the neighborhood being excavated for a house, he thought that he should take a closer look. When he got to the lot there was a young man working all alone laying out the foundation. He asked him if he could watch? The young man answered that he didn't mind, but its going to take some time, for he planned to do most of the work himself. "That's all right, because I don't watch as fast as I used to." -- frode s stringer fstringe@direct.ca

• Three beautiful blonds walked into a bar a orderd a pitcher of beer and five glasses. They took them over to a table, poured themselves a glass of beer and raised them in the air, shouting, "51! 51! 51!" Soon a fourth blond came in and they poured her a beer and they repeatd the toast. "51! 51! 51!" The fifth blond came in with a framed picture puzzle. It was a scene from Sesame Street with Big Bird. They poured the fifth blond a beer and, louder than ever, raised their glasses and shouted "51! 51! 51!"

  Finally, the bar tender couldn't stand it any longer. He went over to the talbe and asked them why they were shouting "51!." "Well," said the fifth blond. "We get so tired of everyone saying that blonds are dumb, we decided to prove them wrong. We went out and bought this picture puzzle and the five of us together put it together. On the side of the box it said, '2-4 years'. We put it together in 51 days!!!" from Rufus - Ruth Olsen

• A fellow bought his first barbecue grill and was real proud of it and at every cook out he would compare it to the size of his wifes rear end ,telling them how big the grill was and how it compared to his wifes rear. One nite after every one left for the night ,he got real amorous with his wife and ask if she wanted to go to bed , she replied you don't think i'm going to fire up this big grill for such a little wiener.

• Playing Blind -- Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf?" Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for awhile and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right, " says Stevie.

  "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if your are blind?" asks Jack. " I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice," explains Stevie.

  "But how do you put?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

  Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

  Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks this over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

  "I don't care -- any night next week is OK with me."

• BEST COME BACK AWARD: --

  ---

  ---

  A defense attorney was cross examining a coroner.
  The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
  The coroner said, "No."
  The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
  "No."
  "Did you check for breathing?"
  "No."
  "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
  The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere." -- WOODBUCHR5 @ AOL.COM
  1. WHAT'S THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD? -- There were four people who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian, one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the forth was Jewish. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

     Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

     The next day the first applicant, the Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought." "Why do you say that?" asked the president. "Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again." "Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

     Next the same question was posed to the Catholic woman. "What is the fastest thing in the world?" She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink." "Why?" asked the president. "Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant." The president thanked her, then called in the next person.

     The Buddhist was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on." "I see, very good," replied the president.

     Then, the Jewish man was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" "That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!" Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?" "Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps... and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS..." (He got the job!) - WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  2. BILL & HILLARY PILLOW TALK: -- Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom." To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot." -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  3. OLD LADY ON THE BUS: -- A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? " The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah." -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  4. AND YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD A BAD DAY! -- The following is taken from a Florida newspaper some time ago:

     A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

     The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

     Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

     Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

     The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor again. His trousers had been blown away, and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

     The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle. And you thought *you* had a bad day? -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  5. CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? -- Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

     "No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

     Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

     As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  6. MAKE LIKE A FROG:... -- . A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?" Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Disney World!" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  7. FOR THE GUYS: -- Gus and Charlie were talking.
     Gus: "Charlie I hear you've got a new girlfriend"
     Charlie: "Yea, I just met her a couple weeks ago"
     Gus: "What's she like?"
     Charlie: "She's ok, but she's got a slight physical thing"
     Gus: "Oh, what's that?"
     Charlie: "Well if I tell you, you'll laugh"
     Gus: "No I won't, what is it?"
     Charlie: "Well, she's got three breasts, two in the front, and one right in the middle of her back"
     Gus: "Man, that sure is strange"
     Charlie: "Well, she's not much to look at, but BOY is she fun to dance with!" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  8. ONE SMART MONKEY: -- A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's nursing it the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid shit do this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table," says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little shit because he's been driving me nuts," replies the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

     Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is nursing his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it," says the barkeeper. "Well, what did you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  9. PRESSING ALL THE BUTTONS: -- A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, all restrooms were occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants "ladies room" but cautioned him "DO NOT PRESS ANY OF THE BUTTONS!". There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR

     The man finished his business in the restroom facility but his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed his bare bottom. He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice."

     So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha," he thought, "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!"

     So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

     The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow". - WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  10. A ventrilquist was driveing his car across the country when his car broke down so he called road aid and knowing that it would take them some time to get there he decided to walk down the road to get some exerise so after awhile he came up on an old indian sitting by the side of the road with his animals and thinking that he would have some fun with the indian he said to the old indian "hay Chief what do you think that your animals would say if they could talk? The old Chief just said humph animals no talk, So he said well lets just see. Hay Dog how does the Chief treat you? the dog says well he don't feed me enough and when it rains he makes me sleep outside the teepee! so what do you think of that Chief? humph! well what about the horse humph horse no talk, well lets see. Hay ole horse how does the Chief treat you? the horse says well he feeds me mouldy oats and than he rides me too hard! Well now what do you think Chief? The Chief just says"humph" Well then what about your Sheep? Chief says Sheep "Lie" -- Frank Bradd

  11. An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operater. giff me beck da party!"

      She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call over again."

      He says, "Vat do you vant from my life? Giff me beck da party."

      She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

      He says, "Operater, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know- vere!" and he hangs up.

      Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

      He says, "Vy?"

      They say, "Because you insulted Operater 28 two days ago. But, if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

      He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's the hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operater 28. Hello Operater 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

      She says, "Yes?"

      He says, "Vell, get ready - dey're bringin' it to ya!" -- Zolan2@aol.com

  12. Hey, Doris, Mike said after dinner one evening, "what do you say we try a different position tonight? "Fine," his wife replied, "Why don't you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the couch, drink a beer and scratch my belly?"

  13. A fellow was walking alone on the beach when he spied a swimmer in trouble way out in the surf. Not lthinking twice, he dove in, swam out to him and rescued him. Once safely on the beach, it was only then that he noticed how tiny the man was. "You saved myu life!" the little man gasped. "I'm a magic elf. To reward you I will grant lyou any three wishes." "Yeah, sure," the fellow chuckled. "Well, magic elf, let's just call it even." With that, he waved goodbye and started on down the beach. But the magic elf, who indeed was a magic, couldn't let him go unrewarede. "Grant him great health and great wealth," the magic elf intoned, conjuring up his powers, "and also a wonderful sex life." Twenty years passed. The magic elf was sitting in a tree in Central Park, as magic elves routinely do, when lo and behold, coming down the path was the man who saved his life all those years before. Hopping from the tree, the magic elf exclaimed, "Remember me?" The man, momentarily startled, broke into a wide grin, "How could I ever forget you," he said, laughing. "You're the only magic elf I ever saved from drowning." "So how's life treating you?" the magic elf said, nonchalantly. "You look like you're in good health." "Am I ever!" the man said. "It's as if my health gets better every year that I grow older. The doctors can't explain it. It's like a miracle." "Yes, like a miracle," the elf said, smiling to himself. "And you look prosperous as well." "That's even more remarkable," the man said. "Every little investment I've ever made has turned into a fortune. Nowadays I have to have tow full-time accountants just to keep up with my money. It's a miracle." "Yes, indeed," the elf said, all the more pleased. "and how about the romance department. Has Cupid been kind to you as well?" "That's really wild!" the man said, waving his arms and laughing aloud. "Who'd have ever thought a guy like me would be so popular with women." At this point, he lowered his voice. "I don't like to brag, but it's sometimes as often as twice a month." The elf frowned. "Twice a month? That doesn't seem very much." The man shrugged. "For a priest in a small parish," he allowed, "it's not so bad." -- Larry B. Hill

  14. Whatever happened to our respect for love and marriage, for religion and politics? It outragaeous the way we disparage these righteous institutions, especially in the jokes we tell. I submit the following as unconscionable examples:

  15. A fellow was walking alone on the beach when he spied a swimmer in trouble way out in the surf. Not lthinking twice, he dove in, swam out to him and rescued him. Once safely on the beach, it was only then that he noticed how tiny the man was. "You saved my life!" the little man gasped. "I'm a magic elf. To reward you I will grant lyou any three wishes." "Yeah, sure," the fellow chuckled. "Well, magic elf, let's just call it even." With that, he waved goodbye and started on down the beach. But the magic elf, who indeed was a magic, couldn't let him go unreward. "Grant him great health and great wealth," the magic elf intoned, conjuring up his powers, "and also a wonderful sex life." Twenty years passed. The magic elf was sitting in a tree in Central Park, as magic elves routinely do, when lo and behold, coming down the path was the man who saved his life all those years before. Hopping from the tree, the magic elf exclaimed, "Remember me?" The man, momentarily startled, broke into a wide grin, "How could I ever forget you," he said, laughing. "You're the only magic elf I ever saved from drowning." "So how's life treating you?" the magic elf said, nonchalantly. "You look like you're in good health." "Am I ever!" the man said. "It's as if my health gets better every year that I grow older. The doctors can't explain it. It's like a miracle." "Yes, like a miracle," the elf said, smiling to himself. "And you look prosperous as well." "That's even more remarkable," the man said. "Every little investment I've ever made has turned into a fortune. Nowadays I have to have tow full-time accountants just to keep up with my money. It's a miracle." "Yes, indeed," the elf said, all the more pleased. "and how about the romance department. Has Cupid been kind to you as well?" "That's really wild!" the man said, waving his arms and laughing aloud. "Who'd have ever thought a guy like me would be so popular with women." At this point, he lowered his voice. "I don't like to brag, but it's sometimes as often as twice a month." The elf frowned. "Twice a month? That doesn't seem very much." The man shrugged. "For a priest in a small parish," he allowed, "it's not so bad." -- Larry B. Hill

  16. Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'." Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

  17. A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting,"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

  18. There was an old cajun who had never been to see a doctor in his life but started to feel bad . His son said let me take you to a doctor and the old man said it has to be a cajun doctor. Well the cajun doctor gave the old man a thorough examination ;and took him back to the office to explain what he had found. The old man said ok doctor whats wrong with me. The doctor said well you're going to die. The old man said don't tell me dat. whats wrong ? Well the doctor said its yo liver and I know you cajuns don't want to spend money on medicine so here's some free liver pills, take one a week.

      The old man took the pills one a week for a month and then thought that old doctor don't know too much so I will take one a day and he did for 4 weeks. His grandson said granddad lets go hunting and they did. The old man got caught up in a bobwire fence and a rattlesnake bit him and he died. Three days later they had to shoot his liver. -- Carl and Lyn Grimmer

  19. Bob wanted to buy some nuts so he went to the store. There he saw several kinds. He asked the store owner, "How much the 1st kind of nut cost?" the owner said, "One dollar pound." Bob said they are too high. Then he asked the cost of the 2nd kind. The owner replied, $1.50 per pound." Bob walked over to the last of the nuts and asked the price. The owner said $2.00 per pound. Then Bob looked at the owner and asked what's that on your chin? The owner said it was a pimple, haven't you seen a pinple before? Well, Bob said, "I thought it might be your navel since your nuts are so high. -- Don Smith

  20. Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

  21. A man walked into the lingerie department in a large department store. After getting up enough nerve, he approached a saleslady. Seeing he was already red faced, she asked if she could help him. He finally stammered and told her his wife had asked him to get her a bra. When he was asked what size she wanted, he realized he didn't know. Being helpful, the clerk asked him if he could give her a clue. " Are they the size of grapefruits " she asked. " No",he said, " not that big. " Well, how about oranges ", "no not that big ". "plums " " no". Running out of fruits she said," how about eggs . His face lit up as he said "yes,,,,,eggs fried eggs ". -- Matersknot@ AOL.com

  22. THE LITTLE WHITE DUCK -- A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly, a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path. "Oh, dear", the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and did a good job. After that she urged the duck away, "Be careful next time!" She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little animal. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem. "Now I have had it!" She screamed, "what have you been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on - suddenly she heared a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!", sounded a male voice in distress. "Yes?" she replied. "Do you have a Kleenex?" "Not anymore, no.", she answered. "Too bad, I'll have to use another duck."-- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  23. GLASS EYE -- A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining so put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye." -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  24. LET'S DRINK TO IRELAND! -- A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. -"Why, of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course" replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin" comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course" replies the second man. Curiousity again strikes and the first man asks" "And what school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's" replies the second man. "I graduated in '62". "This is unbelievable!" exclaims the first man, "I went to Saint Mary's, and I graduated in '62 also". About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much", comes the reply, "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  25. HE'S NOT MINE -- Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up for a round of golf, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club." -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  26. THE SAD NEWS: -- It's always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and ... well, you know the rest. -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  27. TWO TIGERS: -- Two tigers were walking, single-file, through the jungle. The second moved up behind the first and suddenly licked the first one's ass. The first one, startled, turned around and said, "Hey!" They went a little farther, and the second tiger licked the first one's ass once more. This time, the first one was pissed and he hauled off and batted the second, saying, "Now, knock it off!" Well, they hadn't gone too far, when the second tiger couldn't resist any longer. He went up and gave the first tiger's ass a giant slurp. The first tiger spun around and decked him. "What's wrong with you?!" The other tiger said, "Really sorry, but I just ate a lawyer, and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth!" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  28. ANAL DEODORANT -- A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant.The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use." -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  29. THE TRAVELING SALESMAN: -- A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir" the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

      Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures 25 cents." "Why not" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

      When the machine started buzzing, the salesman let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later the machine stopped, and with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip. -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  30. ANOTHER DUMB BLOND JOKE: While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around to whom it might belong, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blond standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the blond sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once." -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  31. KIDS WILL BE KIDS - A little boy and his father were standing in line at the grocery store behind a really large woman. She was dressed like an executive and was wearing a beeper. The little boy was bored and could not stop looking at the woman. Finally, he said to his father, "Dad, look at the size of her rear!" The father was appalled and said, "Shh! Son, Its not nice to talk that way about other people!" So, after being quiet for a while longer, the little boy said "Dad, take a look at the size of her legs!" and again the dad says, "Shh! son , you're embarrassing me!" It wasn't long after that when her beeper went off, and the boy shouted, "Look out Dad, she's backing up!" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  32. A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, "How much is the washer and dryer?" "Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says. "Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says. "No, that's the price," the sales guy says, "Do you want to buy them or not?" "Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asks. "Five dollars for the system," the sales guy says. "Is it stolen?" the guy asks. "No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?" "Yes," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" he asks. "Five dollars," the salesman says. "I'll take that too!" the man says. As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?" The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife..." "What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business." Thank you, Rhea Mieczkowski

  33. The Virtues of Irish Youth -- Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes, Father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, Father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No, Father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and asks, "What happened?" Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads." -- gayle schmidt

  34. On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his/her own immediate peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. The guy is gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman. He then bends over to her and whispers: "Here.... Iron this." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  35. President Bush died and went to heaven. He requested an interview with Moses who refused him several times. finally Bush sent word to ask why he was not granted the interview as he was the Presiient of the United States. Moses sent back word that he would not wish to see him because the last time he talked with a bush he had to spend forty years in the wilderness. -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  36. An old lady came into the Cathedral in Rome and a painter at the top of the ceiling thought he would fool her. She was pushing her beads and he said, Good Morning, I'm Jesus Christ." She kept pushing her beads. The next day the same lady came to the Cathedral to pray and he again said," Good Morning,I'm Jesus Christ. She kept pushing her beads. The third morning she came into the Cathedral and the painter said, "good morning, I'm Jesus Christ" And the old woman said,"Shur up, I'm talking to your Mother. -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  37. A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random.."salvation Army" came the answer. "What do you do?"asked the man. "We save wicked men and women," came the reply. "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  38. On a cruise the passengers were havng a big time dancing and drinking. The bartender asked a lady how to mix her drink. She said she wanted two inches of water and six inches of liquor, using her fingers to show him the amounts. "Grandmother,", the man said, "You have that mixed up. You mean this much liquor and this much water."reversing the position of the fingers. "Young man", she came back at him, "when you get to be as old as I am, you can hold your liquor better than you can hold your water." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  39. One night a Preacher asked his audience if anyone there felt he had reached perfection.One man stood. "Do you mean to tell me you think you have reached perfection?""NO" said the man, "I'm standing in proxy for my wife's first husband." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  40. This man had been in a second hand store where they kept lovely things and he noticed a grandfather clock. He really wanted the clock but never did buy it. One day he walked by and noticed they were having a sale and everything was half price. He goes in and yes the grandfather clock was half price. He said,"I'll take that grandfather clock and you can deliver it to this address. "Oh, NO" said the manager "we don't deliver half price items, but we know you. You've been in here and you live only three blocks. The clock is only 8 feet and you are 6 feet, so we will strap it on your back and you can carry it home. And like a fool the man agreed to this. .So he is out leaning over carryng this 8 foot grandfather's clock and in his preoccupation he knocks a drunk to the sidewalk. And says to him"Why don't you look where you are going?" And the drunk looked up at the man and asked," Why don't you wear a wrist watch like everybody else in town?" -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  41. A Texas Insurance Agent tells of a courtroom exchange between a defense Attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim.Attorney,"At the scene of the accident did you tell the 'Constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer"that's right."Attorney,"Well then how is it you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's automobile hit your wagon?"Farmer"When the constable arrived he went over to Rover ,my dog, who was all banged up and shot him. Then he went over to my horse who had a broken leg and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say, "Ive never felt better in my life." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  42. Sister Christina died but she didn't like it where she landed. She called St. Peter and said, "Saint Peter, this is Sister Christina, I am not happy here"..and he said,"Oh! I'm so sorry we got your records mixed up and sent you to the wrong place.She begged him to get her out as soon as possible and he promised to do so. She called again the next day with the same plea. He urged her to be patient as he was working on it. That day she met the Devil himself who also apologized for her records getting mixed up. "We'll get it straight soon. I have been so busy this week getting ready for an Orgy we are having tonight" The next day she made another call. "Hello, Pete. this is Chris You know that maatter we have been discussing about my transfer...FORGET IT." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  43. Two MEN DIED AND WENT TO HEAVENOne was askedd if here had been unfaithful to his wife. "NO"so he was given a Mercedes Benz. The next one said he had been somewhat unfaithful so he was given a aChevrolet. A few days later the Chevrolet man passed the Mercedes man sitting on the side of the road crying. He stopped and asked"what is the matter with you. You ought to be happyYou got the mercedes" "Yes, said the man but I just met my wife on roller skates." - Virginia Naylor Smith

  44. What did God say when he made Adam? I can do better than that. -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  45. Put cotton in your ears, pebbles in your shoes, gloves on your hands and vaseline on your glasses and you have instant old age. - Virginia Naylor Smith

  46. When the water got to the farmer's bottom windows, a neighbor rowed over to rescue him. The farmer declined,"Im a man of faith. God will save me." When the waters rose to the second story windows another neighbor appeared in a motor boat. Again the farmer refused to be rescued. "I'm a man of faith. God will save me."Finally the man sat on top of the roof, a helicopter flew over and lowered a ladder. Once again the farmer declined. "I'm a man of faith I'm certain that God will save me."The next thing he knew the farmer found himself at the pearly gates. "What happened"? he moaned to St Peter. Why didn't God save me?" St. Peter shook his head sadly saying, " Listen here, we sent a rowboat, a motorboat and a helicopter." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  47. A man who had been bitten by a vicious dog rushed to the doctor to determine if he had rabies. When the report came in a few days later the doctor said,"Jim, sorry but you do have rabies , a very serious case." Jim sat down at a table in the office and began writing down a list of names."Are those the people you want to remember in your will?"asked the doctor. "NO", not exactly," said Jim." This is a list of people I want to bite before I die" -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  48. An old maid said in her will she wanted only female pall bearers When asked "Why?" She said,"Well if the men can't take me outwhile I'm alive I don't want them to take me out aater I am dead." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  49. An old man and woman in a nursing home he challenged her to tell his age. "Take off your shirt," she said. Then "Take off your pants". soon he was standing there stark naked. The she said."You're 95." He asked "How can you tell?" She said" Because you told me yesterday." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  50. A missionary heard about a native who had five wives."You are violating a law of God", he said, "so you must go and tell four of those women they can no longer live here or consider you their husband". The native thought a few minutes then said," Me wait here. You go tell em." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  51. Teacher:"Name one important thing not here fifty years ago." Pupil: "ME." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  52. A prisoner convicted of murder was sentenced to the electric chairThe day befaore the execution the warden s aid, "You can have anything you want for your last meal." "I want asparagus"..The Warden said, "asparagus won't be in season for three more months".The prisoner smiled and said,"I'll wait." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  53. Middle Ager,"When I was young I wasa v ery idealistic. As I g row older I find myself becoming more and more conservative" Old timer:" I know what you mean. At my age I'm trying to conserve my hair, my teeth and my energy." -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  54. The following joke won first prize at the first Fellowship of Merry Christian's Playshop.in which I danced in my rooster suit."I can prove that Jesus was an Irishman because l. He was 30 years old before he left home. 2. He had no visible source of income. 3. He had 12 drinking buddies and 4..His mother thought he was God" -Virginia Naylor Smith

  55. A man was working in his garden near a mental hospital when one of the patients asked what he was doing. The man answered"Im putting manure on my strawberries." "That's funny", said the patient, "We put sugar and cream on ours and they think we are carzy. -Virginia Naylor Smith

  56. A Psuchiatrist was examining a new pataient's grasp of reality." How many ears does a cat have?' he asked. "Two". "And how many eyes does a cat have" "Two" "And how many feet does a cat have?" "Say, Doc, aint you never seen a cat?" -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  57. A Minister in the Ozarks was going out for the first time to call on some of the members of his flock. As he approached one tumble down shack he saw a little girl sitting on the porch. "Hello" he said brightly, "Is your father at home?" "Nope, he's in jail", said the little girl bluntly. A little taken aback he continued. Well, may I speak to your mother?" No, Maw's in the sanitarium, she got to seein' things. "I see, well do you have any brothers or sisters?" "Sure, I got a barother, but he's away at harvard College" "Harvard?" exclaiamed the Minister,amazed."what is he studying?" "Nuthin," said the little girl,"they're studying him "-- Virginia Naylor Smith

      A man read to his little boy "the man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Little Willie asked" What happened to the flea?" -- Virginia Naylor Smith

  58. At the bus station, there was a fairly long line waiting to get on the bus. The bus driver unlocked the coach, started up the bus, and motioned for the first in line to board. The first in line was a very beauiful woman with a great figure. She had on a very tight sweater and a leather mini-skirt which zipped up in the back. She started to step up into the bus, but found her skirt was too tight. She smiled at the driver, then reached around with her arm and unzipped about two inches, thinking that would loosen things up enough so she could get up the steps. But again, she found that her skirt was still too tight. So she reached around again and unzipped about two more inches, then took a step up. But she found that the skirt was still too tight. The bus driver said, "Look, lady, we've got a schedule to keep. Hurry up and get on the bus. She apologized to the driver, and reached around one more time and zipped down two more inches, but she still could not get enough freedom to get up the steps. Finally, the second in line, a big Texan, put his hands around her waist, picked her up, deposited her on the floor of the coach, and smacked her in the butt. She whirled around and slapped him, and said "What makes you think you have the right to touch me like that? We don't even know each other!" The Texan, with a puzzled look on his face, said with a drawl, "Wal, I kinda thought we knew each other a little better than that. After all, y'all've unzipped ma' fly three times!" -- thanks to Warren Funk

  59. King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he`d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

      A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin`s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

      "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed,"Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m`lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

      "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

      Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal `short arm` inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

      "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur,"The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad was speechless. If you don't get it keep reading He didn't have a tongue, Therefore was speechless. -- gayle schmidt"

  60. Mosche:Does the Bible ever mention smoking by women? Jack Benny: Yes, in Genesis 24.64. Mosche: You must mean where it says, "Rebekah saw Isaac and she lighted off her camel." -- Jack Olson

  61. Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..." -Tina M. Kirk-Frank"

  62. A logger from a remote logging camp had earned a month vacation. He was rowed out to a coastal steamer that took him down to a city where he could enjoy himself. After the month had passed and he was ready to go back, he was hauled into court for "non-payment" of his room rent. When the judge heard he had brought $2000, he asked what happened to the money. The logger explained, "Well your honor, firstly I spend about $1200 on booze, then about $600 on women and the rest I am afraid I spend frivolously. frode s stringer

  63. JESUS IS WATCHING..... -- Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks whenhe heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clerance?" The parrot calmly chirped, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus." -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  64. HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY
      You wake up face down on the pavement.
      You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
      You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
      You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
      Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
      You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night, and there aren't any.
      You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
      Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
      You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
      Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the interstate.
      Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
      Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
      The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
      You wake up and your braces are locked together.
      You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
      Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
      Your income tax check bounces.
      You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.
      Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.
      WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  65. NOW HEAR THIS..... The U.S. aircraft carrier was at sea, when the ship received a message that one of the seaman's mother had passed away. The Chief Petty Officer took the microphone of the ship's loudpeaker system and announced, " Now hear this, now hear this, Seaman Higgins, your mother is dead!" The Captain who heard the announcement was furious with the Chief for his insensitivity, and ordering him to his cabin, and proceeded to give the Chief a dressing down. "Never in my career have I heard such a heartless way to tell someone his mother passed away, you must use better judgement Chief, don't ever let this happen again" adminished the Captain. "Aye, aye sir", replied the Chief. A few weeks later, and still at sea, another message was received that Seaman Mumford's mother had died. The Chief immediately took to the loudspeaker system and announced, "All hands on deck, all hands on deck". Every sailor aboard ship lined up in perfect row formations on the deck as order by the Chief. The Chief then proceeded to announce, All right, all you men with mothers, take one step forward..... not so fast there Mumford!" -- WOOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  66. SISTER MARY MARGARET: -- Mary Margaret was preparing for the sisterhood, and was required to live for 3 years in the Motherhouse, before her final vows. The Motherhouse rules required total silence, except each nun was allowed to say only two words per year during their yearly evaluation with mother superior. At the end of her first year, Mary Margaret was ushered into Mother Superior's office, and taking a seat, Mother Superior asked her what would be her two words for this year. Mary Margaret replied "food's cold". Mother Superior thanked Mary Margaret and told her to return to her room. After her second year at the Motherhouse. Mary Margaret was again ushered into Mother Superior's office, and once again, was asked by Mother for her two word for this year. "Bed's hard" replied Mary Margaret. "Thank you Mary Margaret I shall make note of it" said Mother Superior. Upon completing her third year, and before her final vows, Mary Margaret again visited the office of Mother Superior for her yearly two words. "And what are your two words for this year?" asked Mother Superior. "I quit" said Mary Margaret. "Well I'm not surprised" replied Mother Superior, "ever since you've been here, it's been bitch, bitch, bitch" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  67. THE PERFECT GOLF SHOT: -- Lee and Brian were golfing. Lee stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving Brian nuts. Finally Brian says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball Dad!" Lee answers, "Your Mom is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, Dad. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!" -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  68. THE REALLY FRIENDLY SKIES: -- A young businessman was seated next to an elderly priest on an airplane. Having a minor technical problem at the gate and the flight being delayed, the Captain apologized and announced that the airline would be buying a free round of drinks. When the charming and very attractive flight attendant came by, the businessman ordered a double scotch. Then she asked the priest if he would like a drink. "Oh, no thank you," replied the priest. "I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol." Halting in mid-swallow and dribbling scotch down his front, the businessman quickly replaced his drink on the beverage cart and replied, "Excuse me, miss, I didn't know I had a choice." -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  69. TEACHING ENGLISH TO THE NATIVES: -- A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike." -- WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  70. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. -- Art Bejma

  71. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." -- Art Bejma

  72. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" -- Art Bejma

  73. A group of chess players were standing in the lobby bragging their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." -- Art Bejma

  74. A string walked into a bar and asked for a drink. "Sorry," said the bartender. "We don't serve strings here." The string left and returned a while later, all twisted and bedraggled, and again asked for a drink. "I told you we don't serve strings here, and you're a string, aren't you?" bellowed the bartender. "Nope," said the string. "I'm a frayed knot." -- Art Bejma

  75. A man was fishing and accidentally dropped his wallet overboard. A large carp swam up, grabbed the wallet in its mouth, and soon started a game passing the wallet back and forth with the other fish. The fisherman was amazed; you see, he had never before seen carp-to-carp walleting! -- Art Bejma

  76. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. -- Art Bejma

  77. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication! --- Art Bejma

  78. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. -- Art Bejma

  79. A bus station is where the bus stops, and a train station is where the train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation........Art Bejma

  80. Mom goes to son's room to wake him up. "Okay, son, up and at 'em! Time for school!" Son, in a surly mood says, "I don't wanna go to school!" Mother insists, "You must, son, now come on!" Son replies, "I don't wanna go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don't wanna go!" Mother says, gently, "Son, you KNOW you have to go to school." "Why do I have to go to school?" Mother replies, "Because you're the PRINCIPAL!" -- Senna

  81. Man gets on a plane bound for Wichita, and sits down next to a stiff-looking Baptist minister. The hostess comes down the aisle inquiring if anyone wants a drink. The man orders a whiskey and soda, which he promptly gets. The hostess then asks the minister if he would like a drink, too. The minister replies, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" At that, the young man hands his drink back to the hostess and says, "I didn't know we had a choice." -- Seena

  82. Joe picked up his first perscription for Viagra, couldn't wait, downed a pill without water and it lodged in his throat. He walked around three days with a stiff neck. -- Paul W.Lee.

  83. God and Adam were talking. Adam said to God that he was lonely, tired and needed someone to help him. God said He had been working on that. He was going to give Adam "someone to cook ALL his meals, gather all the food and wood. Do the wash,take care of the dog, do all the chores etc., etc. Adam scratched his head and asked, "What is that going to cost me, God?" God replied, "An Arm and a Leg" Adam thought for a moment and asked, "What might I get for, say, just a rib?" Now you know the rest of the story.... --- Paul W. Lee

  84. A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, always concerned about his employees' well-being, asks what is wrong. "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss implores her to take the rest of the day off. "We aren't terribly busy -- just go home and try to relax." Calmly, the blonde says, "No, I'm better off here. I need a distraction, so I'd like to stay here if you don't mind." The boss agrees. "If you need anything, just let me know." A few hours pass, and the boss decides to check on his employee. He comes out from his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying! "What happened? Are you going to be OK?" "No the blonde whimpered, "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died, too!" -- Jim Coghlan.

  85. A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

      The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

      After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

      One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

      "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

  86. The rooster went to pay a call at the hen house. After he serviced the hens he strutted out saying in his bes cock-a-doodle voice "Should have had two - Should have had two. The hens followed him out and in their best squawking voice said Talk talk Talk. by Tigger

  87. Does daylight savings affect my 3 minute egg timer. -- Garry Fisher

  88. Old man Schwartz, 90 years young, was suddenly missing from his usual haunts for over a month. When he at last showed up, his cronies demanded an explanation. "Well," he said, "one day I was coming out of a delicatessen and a young woman who was talking to a policeman pointed to me and yelled, 'That's the man! He's the one who tried to rape me!!' Naturally I was taken to the station and held and the next day I was arraigned and you know, I was so proud I pleaded guilty!" -- Robert H. Ries bries@winfinity.com

  89. Q. What three words are most likely to strike panic? A. "Honey, I'm home!"

  90. Father Murphy was on his way to town one morning when he came upon the town drunk O'Reilly sitting on the stairs to the doctor's office with his head in his hands. Hearing the father's approach O'Rreilly looks up and the following conversation takes place: Good morning Father. Morning to you. Can I be asking you a question Father? You may. Father, what does it mean when they say you have lumbago? Lumbago is it? It tis Father, lumbago. The good priest thinks to himself, I have been trying to get this man to sober up for years. Here is my chance to scare the living be jeevers out of him. Well, O'Reilly, lumbago is a terrible affliction. It is what you get from going out every night, carousing around, getting drunk and making a nuisance of yourself. Why do you ask? Well Father I was reading in the paper this morning that that is what the Bishop has. Credit that great Irish comedian Hal Roach with this one.

  91. An Amish farmer and his family went to the city Mall to sell their potatoes. During the day the son kept asking to see inside the Mall. When all the potatoes were sold the farmer took the son inside the Mall. They were astonished at what they saw. The boy saw two bright shinny steel doors and asked his father what they were. He said,"I don't rightly know but let us watch the doors to see if they open.Then we can see inside." They watched for awhile and saw a little old gray hair lady walking with a cane approach the doors. She pushed a button and the doors sprang open. She steeped into the little room and the doors closed. The farmer and his son watched and saw the little lights above the door light up, one at a time. When the lights reached the far end they paused and then started down the line again. Suddenly the doors sprang open and a beautiful young lady walked out.The doors closed. The farmer poked the son and said, "Quick go out and get your mother." -- Rev. Ralph J. Karl,OMI padre@stratos.net

  92. She is always late - her ancestors came over on the June-Flower!
      
  93. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
      
  94. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
      
  95. I lied and lied - will I get to be president?
      
  96. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it!

  97. A 101 year old man was accused ot molesting a child. Should this be called an assault with a "dead weapon?"

  98. A man came into the doctor's office with a strange request. "Doctor, I know its crazy, but I want to kill my wife without doing anything illegal. Can it be done?" The doctor figured he had heard everything else and he didn't have anything better to do at the moment, so he would go along with the gag. "Sure," he said, "you can kill her with love. Just make love to her every chance you get--morning, noon and night; three or four times a day!" "That sounds great!" the client said, "How long will it take?" "Oh," the doctor said, "it should take just about a year." Off the man went, singing softly to himself. The doctor made a folder on the case and filed it away. Eleven months went by and one day, going through old files, the doctor came across the case and, just for laughs, decided to follow it up. He went out to the address the man had given him and knocked on the door. A woman about the right age answered and told him that the couple he wanted no longer lived there. Their last address, she said, was the Sunnyhaven Sanitorium.

      As the doctor walked up onto the wide, pleasant porch of the sanitorium, he saw an aged man wrapped in a heavy blanket, although the day was warm. The poor wretch shook with palsy and appeared to be barely alive. Looking closer, the doctor was shocked to see that it was his client of eleven months ago. "Pardon me," he said, "but aren't you Kevin Smith who came to me last year and wanted to know how to kill your wife?" "Yes," said the quivering bit of protoplasm, "that's me." "May I ask where your wife is?" asked the doctor.

      The man roused himself and pointed out into the yard. "There she is," he said The doctor looked and saw a pleasant, attractive woman, bursting with health, almost dancing as she picked a bouquet of flowers. "Yep," said the wreck. With a sly, cunning look on his face he said, "Little does she know she only has one week to live!!" -- Robert H. Ries bries@winfinity.com

  99. Comment from a Viagra user: "It makes your feel Presidential."

  100. There was a world famous artist visiting Rome painting landscapes and portraits. A nobleman requested an audience which was granted. The nobleman said,"Sir, I will give you a thousand pieces of gold to paint my mistress nude."The artist stated that he did not do that type of work as his moral standards would not allow it. The nobleman returned a week later and said,"Sir, I know that you are an honorable man but my mistress is very impressed with your work. I will give you five thousand pieces of gold if you will paint her nude." Once again the artist refused stating his moral code as an excuse. A month later the nobleman returned and said,"Sir I will give you ten thousand gold pieces to paint my mistress nude." The artist thought for a while and said,"Come back tomorrow and I will give you my answer. The nobleman arrived bright and early the following day. He repeated his offer,"...ten thousand gold pieces to paint his mistress nude." The artist said he would with one condition."My wife gave me permission to paint your mistress nude with the one condition that I must keep my socks on as I suffer from arthritis." -- "Rev. Ralph J. Karl,OMI" padre@stratos.net

  101. Joe, Bill, and Hank were chewing the fat at the water cooler one morning, and Joe was yawning continously. When the others asked him why, he said he hadn't gotten a wink of sleep the night before. " Why was that", Hank asked. " Well when I went to bed I had such a big erection, I didn't have enough skin left to close my eyes ", he replied.

  102. Mosche: Does the Bible say who was the shortest person?
       Jack Benny: It does mention Zaccheus climbed a tree to see Jesus because he was short. But he's not the shortest person.
       
  103. Mosche: So who was shorter?
       Jack Benny: You might guess it was Knee-high-myah but that's wrong. Look up Job 2:11.
       Mosche: Now that's short! Imagine, Bildad the Shuhite. -- Jack Olson jackonby@yahoo.com

  104. Three ladies were discussing their coming birth of their child. The topic came up, what sex will my child be? The first lady said hers will be a boy, since her husband had been on top. The second lady said her child will be a girl, since she was on top. The third lady thought for a moment then said, Bow Wow Wow! -- "Robert A Struttmann" rstrut@jcn1.com

  105. The Army Nurse -- The gruff sergeant had drilled his men for 30 days. Sixty mile hikes with full battle pack before breakfast was his trade mark. Neither rain, sleet, or hail would stop his boys. No one was exempt. Hospital calls were unheard of to this warrior. His men were ready for anything. The time came when the platoon was called up. The sergeant got wind of the call so he reported to sickbay with a blister on his foot the day before they were to leave.

       While in the hospital the sergeant continued his gruff manners ordering the nurses and staff as if they were in a battle zone. The ship sailed without him and twenty-four hours later he was preparing to leave the hospital. The head nurse came in as he was packing and told him to get back into bed. With a lot of argument the head nurse won and he striped and got into bed. She said,"Roll over, I'm taking your temperature." More arguments followed as you can imagine but the sergeant lost.

       The hospital room door was left open as he lay upon the bed. The nurses walked passed, the orderlies sauntered passed, even the doctors walked passed. Everyone of them doubled up with laughter. When the sergeant couldn't stand it any longer he asked a nurse,"What's so funny? Haven't these people ever seen a man have his temperature taken?" The nurse replied," We have all seen temperatures taken but never with a daffodil." -- "Rev. Ralph J. Karl, OMI" padre@stratos.net

  106. Three children from New York City were playing in the street when the 6 year old called the others over to a cellar window and said, "What are those 2 naked people doing in the basement?" The 7 year old looked through the window and said, "It looks like they're wrestling". The 8 year old looked through the window and said, "No, you ninny. They're making love!" When the 9 year old looked he said, "Yep, you're right...And badly." -- "Damon D. Delston" callddd@erols.com

  107. When does life begin? The Catholic Priest said, "At the moment of conception". The Buddhist Monk said, "Soon you will find that we will all agree that it begins when there are detectible brainwaves from the foetus brain." The Jewish Rabbi said, "When the kids graduate Medical School and the dog dies". -- "Damon D. Delston" callddd@erols.com

  108. Ollie and Lena were going down the street in there old car , when leaned over and said, Ooliee I feel like making love. Now Leeena you know we can 'nt stop in the middle of the street, we will get put in yail. Vell Lena said lets crawl under the car. So they got under the car and smoooching away when , Big Olaf the cop tapped Ollie on the shoulder and asked him what they thought they were doing. Veee are fixing the mufff ler. said Ollie ,Olaf grinned and said Maybe you should fix the brakes Oolliee, the car is a block down the street R.H. Pellman

  109. THE OUTHOUSE -- : Sven, Lars and Olaf were sitting at the little bar in rural Minnesota discussing outhouses.. Sven turned to his two friends and said " Ya fellers, I just had Olsen come over to dig me a new one- holer, and he dug all day". "That night I went out to test it, stepped inside, dropped my drawers, sat down, and I grunted and I groaned, and finally let fly, and I counted all da way to 35 before it hit bottom, so I knew it was a good deep hole".

       Olaf shook his head saying " Well ya, I had Olsen over to dig me a two holer, took him two days. so just to be sure it was good, I went out that night to give it a test, got inside, plenty o' room, dropped my drawers, sat down, and started to grunt and groan, finally I let fly, and counted all the way to 67 before it hit bottom, so I knew Olsen dug me a good deep two holer".

       Lars finally entered the conversation by saying, "Ya' vell fellers, Olsen came over to my place to dig me a two holer too". Lars continued, " Dat Olsen he dug for tree days and a half, and finally he was finished". "I really wanted to test it out, so that night I went out back, stepped in, like you Olaf, plenty o' room, dropped my drawers, sat down, I grunted and groaned, and let fly, and I counted all the way to 146, and then I knew sometin' was wrong, so I looked down between my legs, and sure enough, I shit on my suspenders!". C. W. Raczkowski Jr.

  110. THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING: -- The Russian airline, Aeroflot, just started direct service from Moscow to Chicago's O'Hare Airport. During their final check of the aircraft in Moscow, the captain turned to the co-pilot and said, "Boris, I'm, never being at O'Hare Airport , I'm not knowing what to expect, so when I'm giving orders, obey, no qvestions, understood?" "Da" answered the co-pilot, and the flight took off for Chicago. After receiving lading clearance from O'Hare, the giant Russian airliner touched down on the runway, and immediately the captain screamed "Step on brakes, step on brakes". The huge airplane shook and shuddered, and finally came to s screeching stop. With sweat rolling down his face, the captain turned to the co-pilot and said " Boris, I'm never seeing such a short runway in my life". The co-pilot looked to his left and then his right and said " Da, but look how wide they are". C. W. Raczkowski Jr.

  111. TRAVELING WITH GEORGE: -- Wilson went to visit his favorite neighborhood bar, sat down at his usual place, and yelled to the bartender "How 'bout a cold one Charlie?". The bartender brought Wilson his beer, and setting it down on the bar said, " Haven't seen you around Wilson, where you been?" "Oh, been traveling with my friend George, he's a cripple ya' know", replied Wilson. "Yea I remember" said the bartender. "Where did you guys go?" asked Charlie. "Aw, we went around the world, saw the pyramids in Egypt, but we couldn't climb dem, George is a cripple ya' know". "Yea I know, so where else did you go?" asked Charlie. "Well" answered Wilson, "then we went to London, saw da' tower of London, but we couldn't go in, 'cause George is a cripple ya' know". "But den, we went to Rome", continued Wilson, "and went to da' Vatican, and would ja' believe it Charlie, we got and audience with da' Pope". Wilson went on, "Charlie, just a soon as da' Pope saw George standin' dere on his crutches, he walked over to 'em, put his hand on George's forehead, and took his right crutch, and true it on da ground". "Den, da Pope reached over, took George's left crutch and true it on da ground, I looked at George and he had tears in his eyes". The bartender said " Well tell me, did George walk?", Wilson replied, " Naw, George fell flat on his ass, George is a cripple ya' know". __ WOODBUCHR5@AOL.COM

  112. A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question!" -- C. W. Raczkowski Jr.

  113. A young man was crazy for the game of golf. He played every chance he had, he watched every tournament, bought every new club on the market, you could say he lived for golf. Finally he wins the lottery. He quits his job and decides to sail round the world and play at the best golf courses in all of the countries he visits. As luck would have it the ship sinks. He washes up on a deserted . For 15 years he is on the island. One morning he wakes up and can't believe his eyes. There is a beautiful blonde girl dressed in a wet suit wading onshore. She walks up to him and asks " would you like a cigarette?" With that she unzips one of the pockets in the suit and pulls out a pack of Camels, lights one and hands it to the fellow. He can't believe it. After all these years here he is talking to a beautiful girl and smoking his favorite cigarete. She moves a little closer and asks " Would you like a drink?" With that she unzips another pocket and brings out a double extra dry martini with an onion and hands it to him. This overwhelms him. A beautiful girl, his favorite cigarette and drink. She moves a little closer and starts to unzip the wet suit and asks "Would you like to play around?" He steps back and says "MY GOD! Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there.

  114. Two men are playng golf. The first man tees off and lands on the green. The second man slices and lands in a patch of Buttercups. He tramps around looking for his ball and then starts hacking away at it trying to get out of the patch. Suddenly there is a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder and there stands Mother Nature. She asks "My God man what are you doing?". He answers "I'm trying to get my ball out of these damn flowers." She says "Don't realize how hard I have worked? I planted the seeds, watered and fed them and brought to this place of beauty. You have completely destroyed them and must be punished." He finally reaches the green. His partner asks "What happened? "Oh, I landed in a patch of Buttercups and had a hard time getting out." Who was that woman I saw you talking to?" His partner asks. "Oh that was Mother Nature and she is mad as hell because I ruined her Buttercups." "It's not nice to mess with Mother Nature. What is she going to do about it?" "Oh she cut me off from butter for a whole year" "Wow, that's tough. I know how much you like butter." Yeah but it could have been worse, I damn near landed in her Pussy Willows.

  115. The Starving Bird -- The way I heard it (60 years ago), the bird was starving to death in the middle of a harsh winter, having waited too long to fly south. He suddenly spotted a pile of fresh manure and gobbled it down as a last resort. Feeling his strength return, he flew high in the air, singing his little heart out, overjoyed at his survival. A passing hawk heard the noise and swooped down and killed the little bird. The moral of the story is, "If you're full of shit, keep your mouth shut!"

  116. The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher called on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a little crude. But eventually, his turn came.

       Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, picked up a piece of chalk at the blackboard, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher looked at the dot, and turned to Johnnie, "Johnnie, that's a period." "That's right, teach," said Johnnie. The teacher asked, "What's so exciting about a period?"

       "Damned if I know", replied Johnnie. "This morning at breakfast, my sister said she skipped one. Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted and the guy next door shot himself." -- BillF99@aol.com

  117. Do you know how many mice it takes to screw in a lightbulb? Two, the difficult thing is to get them inside the bulb.

  118. A policeman noticed that a motorist going through town speeded up when he saw the policeman so he followed in pursuit. The motorist speeded up amd the policeman turned on his blue light. The motorist continued to drive faster. The patroleman turned on his siren and the motorist speeded up again. Finally the policeman pulled the motorist over. He told the motorist, when you saw my car you started speeding, when I turned on my blue light you went even faster, when I turned on my siren you went even faster. Now, I hope you have an explanation for this behavior. The motorist said I sure do officer, you see my wife ran away with a policeman and when you started following me I was afraid you were bringing her back. -- filan@ctc.net"@CTC.Net

  119. From K.C. Star: Writer Allison Hoff has scoured 35,000 singles ads nationwide and compiled the best in a self-published booklet, "If You Like Pina Coladas." Some samples: "Sorry but they've only allotted me 40 words to convey to you the depths of my soul. Oh dear! Now it's only 23 words. I mean l7! No l4! This is terrible! Now I have only eight left! What shall"

       "Seeking clone of last girlfriend (as she was of the one before her) to help me re-enact lifetime of codependent behavior. SWM, 38, hair, eyes, etc."

       "To the 57 men who answered my ad, I am now a lesbian." -- Submitted by Ruth McDonald, GMcDon 2000@AOL.com

  120. A newspaper photographer photographed a political candidate making love to his wife in the back of their car. The editor asked if the candidate was a Democrat or a Republican. "Neither," said the photographer. "He was having sex with his wife so he can't be a Democrat. And since he was having sex he can't be a Republican." ---Thanks to Dharma & Greg

  121. A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?" --

  122. A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at gramps......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son." --- Alice

  123. Dear Lord, So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, God, i'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Amen --

  124. The eighty-year-old bridegroom went to Viagra for his honeymoon! --

  125. THE PUB CALLED.... An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.

       Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

       He was awakened the next morning by his wife standing over him shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again!!" ,-- WOODBUCHR5@ AOL.COM

  126. THE PAINTER: Stosh had been out of work for close to two years. Needless to say, he was getting pretty desperate for money. He decided to go to the nicer,richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handyman. Well, the first house he came to, a man answered the door and told Stosh,"Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch? "Sure, that sounds great !" said Stosh. "Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" said the man. "Is fifty bucks all right ?" Stosh asked. "Yeah, that's great. You'll find all the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife, who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does he know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well he must, he was standing right on it !" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Stosh knocked on the door. "I'm all finished, "he told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Stosh replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Stosh. "Oh, by the way," said Stosh as he pocketed the money, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!" -- WOODBUCHR5@ AOL.COM

  127. BECAUSE YOUR FROM ALABAMA: It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18." -- WOODBUCHR5@ AOL.COM

  128. CHANGE YOUR NAME: A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "Okay kid, show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the gent. "Great kid! Just great!," says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?" The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian." "Scuse me?"questions the agent. "My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man. "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."

       Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?" With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it". "Great kid, great! What's your new name?" "Dick Van Dyke". --- WOODBUCHR5@ AOL.COM

  129. YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE CODE: There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, " If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, " I don't know what you're laughing about, You're wife fell three times this week." -- WOODBUCHR5@ AOL.COM

  130. A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to a priest to seek his advice. The priest says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for awhile and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do. The man does as he is told. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the priest. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat, and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the priest an envelope filled with money for the church to thank him. The priest is delighted and asks the man what advice in the Bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter ll." --- Submitted by: GMcDon2000@AOL.com

  131. Nude Beach -- Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

       The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." Once again the son goes back to play. A short time later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!" -- WZ Zolan2@aol.com

  132. Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones." -- C.W. Raczkowski

  133. PUNS
       • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

       • Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

       • A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

       • A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and a