Old Lawyer Jokes

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lawyer jokes

What is the difference between a lawyer and a tick? A tick falls off when you die. -- Edmund Philipp

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor. -- Edmund Philipp

A couple is out taking a drive in the country when they come upon traffic backed up and have to stop. After a short time a state policeman walks up to the window and they ask him what the problem is up ahead. He says that a tour bus full of lawyers has been involved in an accident and the bus has caught fire. The couple then ask if there is anything they can do. The policeman says yes, others have already been mobilizing and they've collected thirty gallons of gasoline. -- thanks to krcooper@mindspring.com

What is the difference between a doctor and a lawyer? A doctor rides in the ambulance. A lawyer rides outside, chasing it. -- Bill Maresh wlm@hot1.net

What is the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer.. you take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline. --Phil Q Plymouth MA

What is the difference between a lawyer and a chicken... the chicken clucks defiance. -- Phil Q Plymouth MA

During the Gulf War, Saddam had a plan to beat us. He was going to kidnap all the lawyers in America and release 100 a day until we surrendered. -- georgesr@op9.com

What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer? One's a scum sucking, bottom dredging parasite and the other one's a fish. -- georgesr@op9.com

Why does New York have all the lawyers and New Jersey Have all the toxic waste dumps? New Jersey had first choice. -- thanks to EDMUND PHILIPP

The trouble with lawyer jokes is lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes. thanks to Frank Noble, Swartz Creek, Michigan

A man was on a cruise in the Bermuda Triangle. A storm appeared without warning and his ship went down. He was in a lifeboat and began rowing to save people in the water. Ahead he saw a man waiving - he recognized that it was his attorney. He stated: "We have to save him first, he saved my ass on my divorce". They began rowing towards the attorney as a pack of sharks began swimming there as well. They got there first and began circling the attorney and the circle got smaller and smaller. His friend stated: "Oh, no - they are going in for a feeding frenzy" as they closed in and threw the attorney up in the air. He landed - straddling two sharks on their backs and then they leisurely swam him to the lifeboat. The attorney stepped from their backs into the lifeboat. Everyone aboard the lifeboat couldn't believe what they just saw and asked: "What just happened?" The attorney replied: "Professional courtesy". -- thanks to Paul Edholm

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place". But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here." The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK". St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.". The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!". St Peter said, "We go by billing hours". thanks to Jerry Friedman

What are the differences between a prostitute and a lawyer?

One will leave you with a smile on your face, and the other one leaves with your will.

One will give you a disease, and the other one is a disease.

One will love you and leave you, and the other one you wish would leave you alone.

One lets you lie back and enjoy it, and the other one bends you over and you don't enjoy it.

One tells you what they're going to do to you, and the other one won't admit it.

One you look forward to visiting, and the other one you wish you'd never met.

One is illegal and shouldn't be, and the other one is legal and shouldn't be.

One gives you what you paid for, and the other one you never stop paying.

One walks the streets openly, and the other one hides in an office.

One gets arrested for soliciting, and the other one is called a solicitor.
Note: partial list, over 30 so far.Thanks to Igorious@aol.com

The major difference between a vulture and a lawyer is that the lawyer can take HIS wingtips off at night. Terry King......Wilmington, NC

Do you why lawyers are buried at a depth of at least 20 feet?? Because deep down lawyers aren't all THAT bad.! -- Thanks to Terrance F. King- kingfish@isaac.net

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Just one, if you run him through r-e-a-l s-l-o-o-o-w. Thanks to Terryl Asla asla@southwind.net

Then there was a time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer's funeral. "Here's a hundred," he said, "Bury 10 of them."

Some surgeons were discussing who was the easiest to operate on. The first said that accountants were as every thing was numbered. The second believed librarians were as everything was alphebetical. The third felt electricians were as everything was color-coded. The fourth said, "You are all wrong, lawyers are the easiest since they have no heart, no guts, no spine, and their head and butt are interchangeable.

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!" Thanks to Jim Kitchen

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together--he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer--should he tell his partner?

There is an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, and the other one decides to go straight.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. Henry IV, Shakespeare, 1600 A.D

As the lawyer slowly came out of anesthetic, he said, "Why are all of the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a fire across the street. We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman, and a banker were gathered by the coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there." They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a $100 bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case: "It's such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries."

Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research? Two reasons: First, they are more plentiful than rats, and second, the researchers don't get as attached to them. One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.