My New Car
-- by Don Mulford - Copyright 1999 -- steldon@nbnet.nb.ca
I’d had my car forever; now it rattled and it shook;
The bodywork was rusted and it had that ancient look!
I didn’t dare to drive it far, for it was sure to boil,
And using up one tank of gas would mean a quart of oil!
I realized the time had come to get myself new wheels,
And so I cruised the used car lots to find the best of deals.
At last I found a salesman who I thought would treat me well
And I turned into the car lot asking what he had to sell.
"I’ll put you in a beauty, and for very little down.
You’ll never get a better deal in any part of town!
Our cars are guaranteed, you know. We stand behind our deals!
I’ve bought a few used cars myself, so I know how it feels."
"Now this one’s in the best of shape, It’s never been abused.
The owner never traveled much, so it’s been hardly used.
She never drove it out of town, and never very fast,
But now she’s getting older and her need for it is past"
He said, "The warfelsnaffer’s new and that’s a vital part!"
He told me that the brand new sprewt, ensured an easy start?
He said the giffle was rebuilt and expertly replaced."
But he could see he must respect the customer he faced!
I walked around the shiny car, quite nonchalant; at ease;
I kicked the tires, one by one to show my expertise.
I got inside, bounced in the seats, and checked the radio,
Then honked the horn and flashed the lights; I put on quite a show!
I made quite sure the salesman knew that I was no-one’s fool;
He must have realized at once that I was really cool.
He said that if he made this sale he’d win a trip for free.
I told him he could pack his bags, this was the car for me!
We went into his office to make up a bill of sale,
While I felt very satisfied, this car was nonpareil.
I signed my name and wrote a check, the deal was finalized;
I knew that when I showed my friends they’d all be so surprised.
So off I drove onto the street, then to the main highway;
I had to try my new car out to end this happy day.
I put my foot down on the gas and felt a surge of power,
But little did I realize my joy was turning sour!
I bowled along the blacktop doing eighty-five or more,
When suddenly horrendous squeals came rising through the floor.
The oil light flashed alarming red, the purr became a growl;
The motor of my shiny car began to cough and howl!
I soon came to a grinding stop, the motor snarled and died.
I tried and tried to start it but my efforts were denied.
So when at last the tow-truck came to haul me back to town
I headed for the used car lot to face that salesman clown.
"It’s Caveat Emptor sir," he said, "I can’t return your cash".
"You see, I’m not responsible if you have acted rash!"
He was so smug and righteous, and my mood was grim and black,
So I just cut my losses and I took my old car back.
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